I’m going to be really honest, you guys. Things suck right now. I am not in a good place. You know that old MCR song “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”? That’s me in a song right now.
Everything hurts. I feel confined in my own skin. I’ve been getting overwhelmed really easily by things that shouldn’t be overwhelming. I picked up a few groceries today and I felt overwhelmed by the lady at the checkout counter asking me if I had a Kroger card. I felt suffocated. Everything was/is too close. Too loud. I can’t sleep. Eating makes me feel nauseated. Everything makes me want to cry. I hate crying. I was looking out the window earlier today and for the briefest moment considered sitting on the ledge, just to see how I would feel then. I hurt everywhere. Everything aches. It’s hard to breathe. I feel desolate and isolated and ignored and horribly insignificant and unextraordinary and I suppose that’s because I am.
I can’t decide how I feel. One second I’m irritated and angry at someone or another and the next I want everything to be okay and I don’t want them to be angry at me for having been angry at them. I don’t trust anyone. I feel really paranoid. I’ve been second-guessing and doubting everything anyone has said to me.
I’m scared. I’m really scared. And the couple people who I interact with on a regular basis are getting impatient and annoyed with me and I can tell and I want to tell them “Fine, I just won’t come to you anymore. I would hate to inconvenience you” but on the other hand I know I need help but I don’t know how to ask for it without being a burden. And I am tired of trying to justify the way I feel or what I’m going through to everyone else. I’m sick. That’s all there is to it. I have a disorder, an illness, and I shouldn’t have to justify it to anyone. If this were anything else- food poisoning, the flu, mono, MRSA, cancer- I wouldn’t have to saying anything other than, “I’m sick.” But with a mental illness, so much time and energy is spent trying to explain or defend the legitimacy of the illness. I shouldn’t have to do that. It makes me feel even worse, even smaller, even more worthless, useless, inconveniencing.
I need something I don’t have a name for. I don’t know.
Things aren’t going well right now. That’s really all I have to say.